A Dog and Pony Show/Transcript

< A Dog and Pony Show

Rarity: Perfect!
[doorbell ringing]
Rarity: Coming! Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic, unique and magnifique. [gasp] Sapphire Shores! The Pony of Pop!
Sapphire Shores: Good afternoon, miss Raritee!
Rarity: You yah... Y-y-you know my name?
Sapphire Shores: Well, of course I do, darling. I make it a point to know all of the up-and-coming designers and Clothes Horse magazine simply raved about you.
Rarity: Oh my stars. If I'm dreaming, do not wake me up. How may I help you, Miss Shores?
Sapphire Shores: Oh please, call me Sapphire.
Rarity: [giggle] How may I help you, Sapphire?
Sapphire Shores: Well, as I'm sure you know, I'll be touring all of Equestria with my latest concert, SAPPHIRE SHORES ZIGFILLY FOLLIES so I need to look SEEENSATIONAL! OW!
Rarity: I have just what you need. Sapphire Shores, prepare yourself for the piece de résistance de la haute couture. I used every last diamond I found on this one garment.
Sapphire Shores: [gasp] And it is spectacular! I'll take it.
Rarity: Really?
Sapphire Shores: Oh yes, and five more, each done up in a different jewel.
Rarity: Beg pardon?
Sapphire Shores: Costume changes.
Rarity: [faints]
Sapphire Shores: [chuckle] Yes, I do have that effect on ponies.

[ theme song ]

Spike: Oh my gosh! Sapphire Shores! the Pony of Pop! She is awesome! I mean, she's gorgeous, talented and-heh [Rarity's stare] ...and not even half the pony you are. I mean, you're ten times more gorgeous and talented and...
Rarity: Spike, a lady is never jealous.
Spike: Eh, of course not. But were you totally flipping out or what?!
Rarity: Ladies do not "flip out", Spike. However, I was quite in awe. I need to find more jewels than ever before to decorate her costumes. O, aha!
Spike: Did you find some?
Rarity: Yes, Spike! Right there!
Spike: Ooooo! You look so delicious...
Rarity: Spike! I promised I'll give you gems to snack on. But we need to collect more first or I'll never be able to make these outfits for Sapphire.
Spike: Hm... I will miss you, my sweets.
Rarity: Come along, Spike. We have many jewels to find.
Spike: At your service, my lady.

Rarity: Spike!

Rarity: You've been very patient today, Spike. And for that you'll get the finest reward. This is from me to you.
Rarity: Is something wrong, Spike?
Spike: No. It's perfect.
Rarity: Oh, bring the cart, Spike. There are more over here.
Spike: For me. From Rarity.

Diamond Dogs (Leader): Yesss, gemsss. Gemsss! Our preciousss gemsss! He is the gem hunter. With him we can have all those gems. And more! Let's get the dragon.
Rarity: Spike! Where are you?
Diamond Dogs (Leader): What? Who is that?
Rarity: You know, it's terrible to keep a lady waiting.
Spike: Coming!
Rarity: I think we're really going to strike gold this time. So to speak.[laugh]
Spike: Jackpot!
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Oh, it's not the dragon we want. It's the pony!
Diamond Dogs: The pony...
Rarity: Well, Spike, I think that's all we can do for today. And these will certainly get me well on my way with Sapphire's outfits. Why don't we start headi... Oh! What's this? Another jewel. Oh, strange. It's in the trees. Oooo... Ewww! Uh... uh... Good day, gentle... uh, fellow. I am Rarity and this is my friend Spike.
Spike: Ehe...
Rarity: And you are...
Diamond Dogs (Leader): A diamond dog.
Rarity: Oh really? Oh well, that explains your fine taste in jewelry. I mean I-I know diamonds are a girl's best friend and now I know they're a dog's best friend too, ha ha ha. So, um, [cough] are you out hunting for gems too?
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Yes. We hunt.
Rarity: Uh... we?
Diamond Dogs (Leader): We hunt for gems. But you are a better hunter. So now we hunt... for you!
Spike: Run, Rarity! Run!
Rarity: Spike! Come on! Hurry!
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Gotcha!
Rarity: WAAH! SPIKE!
Spike: Got him, Rarity! I got him!
Diamond Dogs (Big): Haha! Nope!
Diamond Dogs (Small): Sorry, scaly one.
Spike: Wait! Rarity?
Rarity: Unhand me this instant, you ruffians. Stop! Put me down, you scum! You rough-!
Spike: Rarity!
Rarity: Spike! Ah, dirt! AAAAAH, SPIKE!
Spike: Which, what, where?
Rarity: SAVE ME...!
Spike: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Twilight Sparkle: Spike, can you breathe now?
Spike: Yes... [pant] I think so.
Twilight Sparkle: Good. Now tell us what you know.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah. Cause all you said earlier was...
[flashback]
Spike: Aaaah! Rarity... woods... jewels... dogs... hole... taken... SAVE HER!

Applejack: Not a whole lot to go on there, Sport.
Spike: Sorry. Rarity and I were in the woods looking for jewels when these creepy guys showed up.
Twilight Sparkle: Creepy guys?
Spike: They called themselves the diamond dogs. They grabbed Rarity and disappeared down a hole in the ground.
Applejack: Well, that sounds mighty easy. Just take us to that their hole and we'll save Rarity.
Everypony: [gasp]
Pinkie Pie: Holy Moly, that's a lotta holeys.
Twilight Sparkle: Come on, girls! Let's get started.
Twilight Sparkle: Hello!
Twilight Sparkle: Quick! We gotta get down one before they're all filled up.
Fluttershy: Oh! Oh my. Oh, oh!
Applejack: We can't muscle through it!
Rainbow Dash: We'll see about that.
Applejack: Huh. Heavens to Betsy. Now I'm used to pickin' myself up and dustin' myself off but Rarity won't even touch mud 'less it's imported.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, Rarity...

[Scene dissolve]
Rarity: Oh, woe is me! What ever shall I do? Ah! Dirt, dirt! Get away, dirt! Oh! Make it stop, make it stop! Ah! Filthy, disgusting dirt. It stings, it burns. Help! Oh, somepony save me, SAVE ME!

Applejack: We gotta save her.
Fluttershy: But they blocked up all the holes.
Applejack: Don't mean we can't dig 'em out. Come on!

Pinkie Pie: Ow!

Rainbow Dash: Get 'em!
Rainbow Dash: Come on!

Fluttershy: Oh, those scary monsters popping up everywhere. Oh, poor Rarity must be terrified.
Twilight Sparkle: [worryingly] Ooh.
[Scene dissolve]
Diamond Dogs (Small): Get me the baubles!
Diamond Dogs (Big): Get me the beads!
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Get me the trinkets!
Diamond Dogs: Where is the treasure?!

Twilight Sparkle: Poor Rarity. What are we gonna do?
Spike: I got it! I'll save you, my sweet.

Everypony: Huh?

Twilight Sparkle: Spike, it is very noble of you...
Spike: Shhh!
Twilight Sparkle: [quieter] ...to sacrifice the gem Rarity gave you.
Spike: Oh, Lady Rarity. My damsel in distress.
[scene dissolve]
Sir Spike: I shall save you. Show yourselves, dogs! You, curs! Hah. There you are, you mingy mutts.
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Who are you calling mutts? Unleash the hounds!
Sir Spike: Now, where is Lady Rarity?
Princess Rarity: Oh, Spike! I knew you would save me!
Sir Spike: Nothing could stop me, my lady.
Princess Rarity: Oho, Spike. You are my... hero. [smooch]
Sir Spike: Mmmmmm...

Applejack: Hoho there, lover boy.
Spike: Whoa! Whoa whoa whoawhoawhoa... I got a bite! I got a bite!
Applejack: Hold on there, little fella.
Twilight Sparkle: Applejack!
Rainbow Dash: Twilight!
Fluttershy: Oh my goodness, oh my goodness...
Pinkie Pie: Wait for me! Wheee!

Spike: Ha ha, it worked! We're in! Now we can finally save Rarity!
Twilight Sparkle: Um... Which way do we go?
Spike: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Twilight Sparkle: All these tunnels... How are we ever gonna find Rarity?
Applejack: Guess we're just gonna have to start going down them one by one.
Rainbow Dash: That could take forever! There's gotta be way to narrow it down.
Spike: I know! I bet they've taken Rarity down the tunnel with the most gems.
Twilight Sparkle: But Spike, Rarity is the only one who knows how to find gems.
Spike: No, Twilight. You can! You can copy Rarity's gemfinding spell.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh my gosh! You're right! Rarity showed me how she did it a while back. If I can just remember...
Spike: That's it. You did it, Twilight. Come on! We're coming, Rarity. We'll save you. Just hold on.

Rarity: Oh please, diamond dogs. Please let me go.
Diamond Dogs (Small): No!
Diamond Dogs (Big): You're our precious little pony.
Diamond Dogs (Leader): For ever! Muhahahaha.
Rarity: But what ever do you want from me?
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Gemsss!
Diamond Dogs (Small): Yes! The gems. The jewels.
Diamond Dogs (Big): Find them! Find them all!
Rarity: Oh! Is that all?
Rarity: There. A lovely pocket of jewels are right there. Now, would you be so kind as to show me the exit?
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Good! Now, dig them up, pony.
Rarity: What? But you said you wanted me to find the gems.
Diamond Dogs (Small): Yes! Find and then dig.
Rarity: Dig?
Diamond Dogs (Big): Yes. Dig.
Rarity: Oh...
Diamond Dogs (Big): What are you doing? We said dig!
Rarity: Forgive me but prior to you so rudely dragging me into your dirt pit, I had a pony pedi and I am not about to chip a hoof because you dislike my style of digging.
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Oh, for goodness. Fine! Just stop. Stop! Dig, dogs! Dig! And fast.
Diamond Dogs (Big): She won't dig, she pulls.
Rarity: I beg your pardon, but what, pray tell, are you doing?
Diamond Dogs (Big): Others will dig. You will haul the wagon.
Diamond Dogs (Small): Prrrecious pony pedi will be preserved.
Rarity: Well, somebody certainly needs proper nail care. When was the last time you two had a manicure? You're scratching up my coat with that jagged things.
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Please be quiet!
Rarity: Good heavens, what is that smell?
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Smeeeeeell?
Rarity: Ah, mystery solved. It's your breath.
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Enough! Search, pony!
Rarity: Well, since you insist... But I must say the working conditions in here are simply dreadful. Musty and damp, it's going to wreak havoc on my mane. And this air is strictly suffocating. And when I try to get a deep breath, the stench of all you dogs makes me nauseating. You look and smell like if you haven't bathed in weeks. Have you never heard of soap? You could all do with a good round of soap and water. Water, water, I'm terribly thirsty. Could I please have some water?
Diamond Dogs (Small): Good gracious, I can't take this anymore. BE QUIET, PONY!
Rarity: And that's another thing. I would appreciate if you stopped calling me "pony". I am a lady and I wish to be addressed as such. So you may call me "Miss" or "Rarity" or "Miss Rarity".
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Enough! Your whining! It hurts!
Rarity: Whining? I am not whining. I am complaining. Do you want to hear whining? Thiiis iiis whiiining! Oooh, this harness is too tiiight! It's going to chafe. Can't you loosen it? Oooh, it hurts and it's sooo ruuusty! Why didn't you clean it first? It's gonna leave a staaain! And the wagon's getting heeeavy, why do I have to pull it?!
Diamond Dogs (Small): Aaah! Make it stop!
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Stop whining!
Rarity: But I thought you wanted whiiining!
Diamond Dogs (Leader): We'll do anything, pony!
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Oh, uh, we'll do anything, "Miss Rarity". [nervous laughter]
Rarity: Anything?

Rarity: Oh, this water is hardly sparkling. But I suppose it will have to do.
Diamond Dogs (Leader): [panting] Wait! Why are we doing this?
Diamond Dogs (Small): To stop the awful noises from the pony's mouth, remember? [whine]
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Yes, yes, I know. This is ridiculous! Letting a pony order us around. What are we? Mice or dogs?
Diamond Dogs: Mi... dogs?
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Dogs do not pull. Ponies pull. Let her make the awful noises.
Rarity: What are you doing? Hey, you spilled my drink. Oh! Not sooo tiiight!
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Ha! Make the noises all you want. But move while you make them. Hyah, mule!
Rarity: Did you just call me a... mule?
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Eh...
Rarity: Mules are ugly. Are you saying that I too am ugly? [cries]
Diamond Dogs (Small): What are these noises?
Rarity: HE CALLED ME UGLY!
Diamond Dogs (Leader): No! Mule! I said mule!
Rarity: An old ugly mule! And it's true! Just look at me. I used to be beautiful, but nooow...
Diamond Dogs (Big): No, no! You're still beautiful, po... uh, Miss Rarity.
Rarity: You're just saying that!
Diamond Dogs (Small): No, you're still pretty and... and...
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Oh, uh uh, nice. Yeah.
Rarity: I don't believe you! You never liked me! [cries]
Diamond Dogs (Leader): I have just about enough of this.

Twilight Sparkle: We're getting close. I can feel it.
[Rarity crying]
Spike: It's coming from down here. Come on!
Rainbow Dash: She must be in there. Let's go!
Diamond Dogs: More workhorses.
Applejack: Ho, doggies. If you can take this bull by the horns, you better be ready for a ride. Come on, ponies! Kick 'em up, kick 'em out. Buck 'em up, buck 'em down.
Applejack: Yeehaw! Get along, little doggies!
Spike: I'm coming for you, my lady. Hi-ho, Twilight! Away!
Twilight Sparkle: And just what do you think you're doing?
Spike: Please, Twilight. Just give me this.
Twilight Sparkle: Eh... fine. [neighs]
Spike: Lady Rarity, I'm here to save you!

[Dogs' screams: Please, take us! Make it Stop! Please!]

Twilight Sparkle: Excuse me?
Diamond Dogs (Small): So picky.
Diamond Dogs (Big): And critical.
Diamond Dogs (Small): She won't stop talking.
Diamond Dogs (Big): And crying.
Diamond Dogs (Leader): We, uh, give her back. Yes.
Spike: Rarity! You're safe!
Rarity: Why, yes. Hello, girls. You are just in time to assist me.
Applejack: Assist you with what?
Rarity: With those.
Spike: You're letting us leave with all these... jewels?
Diamond Dogs (Leader): Yes. Take them. And her with them.
Diamond Dogs (Small): Please!

Pinkie Pie: I can't believe you got all these gems!
Rainbow Dash: Heh. I can't believe you tricked all those dogs.
Rarity: Just because I'm a lady doesn't mean I cannot handle myself in a sticky situation. I had them wrapped around my hoof the entire time.
Twilight Sparkle: I can't wait to write to Princess Celestia to tell her what you taught me today.
Rarity: Me? What did I teach you?
Twilight Sparkle: Just because somepony is ladylike doesn't make her weak. In fact, by using her wits a seemingly defenseless pony can be the one who outsmarts and outshines them all.
Spike: Hm... "Outshines" is right. Now you have enough gems to cover Sapphire Shores'es costumes.
Rarity: Not if you eat them all, Spike.
[laughter]

[ credits ]

Last edited by Liege on 10 April 2012 at 18:49
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