The Mysterious Mare Do Well/Transcript

At the CMC clubhouse many foals are excitedly conversing ~

Scootaloo: Attention, everypony! Attention! The official Rainbow Dash Fan Club will come to order! Let's get right down to our first order of business: I motion that Rainbow Dash be declared the most awesome pony in Ponyville.
Snails: I second the motion! And might I add that if you looked up the word "awesome" in the dictionary, there would be a picture of Rainbow Dash.
[others agree and cheer]
Snips: I object!
[everypony gasps]
Snips: I think the word "awesome" is played out. Rainbow Dash deserves better. I motion that we declare her the most stupendous pony!
Scootaloo: "Stupendous?" Is that the best you've got?! I motion that we declare her... wonderiffic!
Snips: Astonishing!
Scootaloo: Breathtaking!
Snips: Astounding!
Scootaloo: Bedazzling!
Rainbow Dash: [hiding outside a clubhouse window] What about super-ultra-extreme-awesome-azing?
[everypony agrees]
Snips: That's a good idea!
Snails: Yeah!
Scootaloo: All in favor of declaring Rainbow Dash the most super-ultra-extra- uh, whatever you said, pony in all of Ponyville, say "aye!"
Club Members: Aye!
[more cheering]
Rainbow: [laughing quietly]
[ theme ]
Rainbow: [Rainbow flies around a bit and dives into a cloud; poking her head up from the cloud, she exhales a tuft and sighs] What a beautiful day! There's nothin' like a dip in the clouds to make a Pegasus feel super relaxed...
Filly's voice echoing from a well: Help! Help!
Help! Help!
Rainbow: Looks like my sky swim will have to wait! [Diving into the well] I'm Rainbow Dash, and I'm here to rescue you!
[a crowd cheers as she emerges with the filly]
Rainbow: Wow! What's with this crowd? Uh... thanks everypony. It was really no big deal.
Filly: To me it was! You're my hero, Rainbow Dash!
[everpony cheers]
Scootaloo: That Rainbow Dash sure is something.
Snips & Snails: Something special.
[Scootaloo nods]
Mare: [screams as her baby's stroller flies over a hill, heading for a cliff]
The foal cries. Hearing the commotion, Rainbow Dash swoops down in pursuit, grabbing the stroller's handle and bringing it to a stop with only inches to spare ~
[observing ponies cheer]
Rainbow: Oh, no! There's something wrong with the baby!
Rainbow: She's not cheering for everypony's favorite hero, Rainbow Dash!
[ponies resume cheering as Rainbow returns the foal to her mother; paparazzi take pictures of Rainbow striking heroic poses]
Scootaloo: There just aren't enough words in the dictionary to describe Rainbow Dash's awesomeness!
Twilight Sparkle: I can think of a few new words.
Applejack: And I bet modest is not one of them.
[ponies cheer as Rainbow traces a lightning bolt of clouds in the sky]
Twilight: No, but she is kinda awesome.
[elderly ponies are talking on a balcony as the supports break free]
Rainbow: Never fear! Your friendly neighborhood Rainbow Dash is here!
[the elderly scream as the balcony falls, but Rainbow catches it before it reaches the ground]
[the crowd cheers]
Unseen Mare: We'd be lost without you!
Another Unseen Mare: You're our hero, Rainbow Dash!
Assembled Crowd: Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash!
Rainbow: I can't hear yooouuu!
Crowd: Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash!
[Rainbow Dash starts popping and locking]
Twilight: Call me silly, but I think this whole hero thing might be going to Rainbow Dash's head.
Pinkie Pie: You may be right... silly.
Rainbow: And then, I zoomed into the well. I knew it would be dark and dangerous, but I didn't let that stop me. Danger's my middle name! Rainbow 'Danger' Dash! Thinking back on it, I acted pretty awesomely heroic that day.
Spike: [taking notes] That... day.
Applejack: Awesomely heroic that day and awesomely arrogant ever since.
Pinkie & Twilight: Mm hm.
Rainbow: [grabs Applejack from behind] Hey, Applejack! How'd you like to be immortalized as my friend?
Applejack: Immorta- what?
[paparazzi take some pictures]
Twilight: Are you taking notes?
Spike: Yep! I've been hoof-picked by Rainbow Dash herself to write her autobiography!
Twilight: Um, autobiographies are supposed to be written by the pony they are about!
Rainbow: Maybe for your normal, run-of-the-mill ponies. But I'm far too busy saving lives to stop and write. That's why I hired Spike as my ghost writer.
Pinkie: Ah! Spike's a ghost! [runs away]
Rainbow: Aaanyway. Spike here writes down everything I say, don't you, Spike?
Spike: Don't... you... Spike? Got it!
Rainbow: This way, I can stay focused on performing those acts of bravery that nopony else has the guts to perform. Yep. It takes guts. But it also takes brains. And sometimes a big lunch and a nap. Being a hero is surely not for everypony, but I'm up to the challenge!
[Her friends look annoyed]
Rainbow Dash is in the middle of town giving out autographs to ponies sporting accessories stylized as her mane, tail and cutie mark ~
Rainbow: [signs a picture of herself] There you go.
Filly: Someday, I wanna be just like you!
Rainbow: Aim high, kid, but don't aim for the impossible.
Mare: [screams]
[ponies gasp; a mare is trapped in the basket of a ruptured hot air balloon as it plummets to the ground]
Mare: Help! Help!
Snips: Ahh... Don't you think you should go and help?
Rainbow: [pencil in mouth] Yeah, yeah. I've got a good ten seconds to spare. Just a couple more.
[signs another autograph then flies up backwards while waving to the ponies below]
Spike: [writing] The tension is unbearable! Will Rainbow Dash make it on time?
[a mare clad in purple with a cape, mask, and hat appears on a rooftop, jumping from building to building until she snatches the pony from the basket moments before it crashes, while Rainbow crashes into the popped balloon and becomes entangled in a tree]
[cheers erupt from the throng for this new hero]
Mare: Holy turnips! That pony came outta nowhere!
Daisy: I've never seen such bravery in all my life!
Mayor: That's right! Ponyville has a new hero. A mysterious mare that has done well by our fair city today. I dub this new masked hero "The Mysterious Mare-Do Well!"
[more cheering]
Rainbow: Mare-Do Well, huh? Well that mare would do well to stay outta my way! Ponyville's only got room for one hero, and that hero is me!
[a carriage races downhill to a cliff, passengers screaming]
Rainbow: Never fear! Your friendly neighborhood Rainbow-
Stallion: Excuse me, do you think you could skip your catchphrase and just hurry up and save us?
Rainbow: Ugh... fine. Picky, picky.
[she grabs the front of the carriage and attempts to stop it with her hooves, but it pushes her under and she's thrown behind]
Mare-Do Well arrives on the scene, standing stalwartly before the cliff face with her hooves in the air, ready for the carriage. It pushes her all the way to the edge before stopping ~
[ponies cheer]
Stallion Passenger: [jumps out and begins kissing the ground] Oh, thank you, Mare-Do We–
[she's silhoutted in the distance by now]
Rainbow: I can't believe it! Mare-Do Well is stronger than me?! Well, a hero is more than just muscle, and she's gonna learn that the hard way.
At a construction site a crane goes haywire ~
Rainbow: Huh?
[the rope supporting a wooden beam breaks]
Rainbow: Never fear, your friendly neighbor- Whoa! [dodges the flying beam, which slams into the incomplete building's frame, which begins collapsing]
Rainbow: Never fear! I'm comin'! Hold on!
Construction Worker: Look! [points to Mare-Do Well standing atop the crane]
[she agily weaves between bits of falling debris as she carries the endangered crew to safety; Rainbow grabs the last of them and begins running]
Construction Worker: Look out for the - [a piece of concrete nearly crushes them] Watch out for falling - [she jumps a block of wood] On your left! Your other left!
Rainbow: Here you go, safe and sound!
[the structures finishes collapsing and the stallion passes out]
Rainbow: Well, Mare-Do Well! Or should I call you Mare-Do-Slow? You're gonna have to pick up the pace if you wanna compete with me, 'cause I move like lightning!
Construction Worker: Actually, she saved all of us! We owe her our lives!
[Mare-Do Well runs by with the construction workers in tow, cheering for her]
Rainbow: [gowling] OK. She's strong, fast, and somehow knows what's gonna happen ahead of time. I've gotta step up my game.
[a crack forms in Ponyville's dam and some water seeps through]
Rainbow: If the dam breaks, the whole town will be flooded! Looks like Ponyville needs a hero! [she places a hoof over the hole] Easy-peasy. My game is officially back on!
[the crack widens]
Rainbow: If only somepony were here to pat me on the back. Guess I'll have do it myself. :[when she removes her hoof from the crack to pat herself on the back, a hole bursts open, carrying her away in the resulting deluge] Help! Help!
[Spotting a log immediately overhead, she grabs on. Looking to the end of the log... she finds Mare-Do Well.]
You?! I suppose you want me to thank you...
[Mare-Do Well's hat rises to reveal a horn as she begins using magic to restore the broken concrete to the dam, mending the hole.]
Rainbow: You've gotta be kidding me...
[nearby ponies begin to cheer]
Rainbow: Let me get this straight: She's strong, she's agile, and she's magic?! Arggghh! How do I compete with that?! Wait a minute, I do have a leg up on her. And that leg is... wings! [zips through the air] Hah! Take that, Mare-Do Well!
[Mare-Do Well flies past Rainbow; ponies cheer]
Rainbow: Oh, for the love of pete.
Back at Sugarcube Corner ~
Applejack: Gotta hand it to the girl. That Mare-Do Well sure can pull off some pretty heroic feats.
Twilight: I must say I was impressed by that spell she used to fix the dam. Seems like something like that would take quite a bit of study.
[Rainbow growls]
Fluttershy: She really cares about everypony's safety.
Rarity: Have you seen her costume?! It is to die for! If you ask me she's a hero of fashion.
Applejack: And she's modest and humble. She lets her actions speak for themselves. Gotta admire that.
Rainbow: I don't have to admire that! I don't think she's all that great!
Spike: [writing] She's great.
Rainbow: I didn't say that.
Twilight: Sounds like somepony's jealous.
Rainbow: Who, me?
Spike: Rainbow Dash is jealous.
Rainbow: Don't write that, Spike!
[her friends laugh]
Spike: Correction: Rainbow Dash is very jealous.
Rainbow: Fine! Laugh all you want! But I'll be the one laughing when I prove to you all that I'm just as good- no, that I'm a better hero than Mare-Do Well!
Rainbow searches the town for ponies to save and disasters to avert ~
[at the town center]
Rainbow: Huh, no sign of trouble here. Darnit...
[at the perilous hill]
Rainbow: Buses and baby carriages are always careening down this hill. Where is an out of control vehicle when you need one?
Rainbow: There are absolutely no freak natural disasters going on anywhere! How am I supposed to prove myself when everything's so normal and safe?
[notices Granny Smith walking down the street]
Hold it right there, Granny Smith! You don't have to pretend with me. I can see that you're in way over your head here.
Granny Smith: Eh? What's that?
Rainbow: You're putting on a brave face. I get it! But you don't have to anymore. I'll help you cross the street!
[Rainbow begins pushing Granny's flank with her head]
Granny Smith: Actually I can cross the street just fine!
Rainbow: Don't worry! You're in extremely... capable... hooves!'
Granny Smith: [sits abruptly] Back off! [Rainbow resumes her pushing] Filly!
[on the other side]
Rainbow: Here we are, safe and sound! A good and heroic citizen deserves a little recognition, don't you think?
[Granny whacks Rainbow across the face with her purse]
Granny Smith: I didn't wanna cross the street in the first place!
[walks away grumbling and squeaking like her joints are rusty]

Rainbow: [hearing a mare grunting] Somepony's in trouble!
[a unicorn mare is having a picnic with her daughter on a blanket and is struggling to open a jar of peanut butter with her magic]
Rainbow: You'd better let me handle this, ma'am! For your own safety, I must ask you to stand back!
Mare: Oh, brother...
Rainbow: [cracks her neck in preparation, then grabs the jar with her hooves while attempting to open it with her teeth]
[the mare takes the jar with her magic, taps the lid on a nearby fountain, and gives it back to Rainbow who is now able to easily flip the lid off with a single hoof]
Rainbow: Ta-da!
Mare: Uh... thanks.
Rainbow: How would you describe what I just did? Would you say I was amazing?
Mare: Aren't you milking this a bit?
Rainbow: Please, just answer the question. Was I or was I not amazing?
Mare: Oh, you're amazing alright. An amazingly-
Rainbow: Oh look!
[grabs a lawnmower and cuts the area]
Rainbow: Another great feat of heroism! I have just saved that grass!
Gardener: From what?!
Rainbow: From weeds! Weeds that were attempting to eat this lawn!
Mare's Daughter: Laaaame!
Another Mare: Whatever.
Rainbow: Aw, who am I kidding?
Rainbow is sulking on a storm cloud ~
Rainbow: All anypony talks about is Mare-Do Well this, and Mare-Do Well that! What about me? How could everypony forget about me so easily? I mean, have I changed? Same sleek body, same flowing mane, same spectacular hooves. Nope, I'm still awesome. They're wrong. But, then why am I all alone? I hate being all alone.
Scootaloo: Hey, Rainbow Dash!
Rainbow: I knew it! [swoops down and lands] No need to apologize, squirt. Anypony could make a mistake.
Scootaloo: Mistake? What mistake?
Rainbow: Wait a minute... Why are you here?
Scootaloo: To invite you to join us! We're heading off to the "thank you" parade for Ponyville's greatest hero, Mare-Do Well.
Rainbow: No! No way! Can't you see I- I wanna be alone? I love being alone!
Scootaloo: Oh, OK. See you later then.
Rainbow: Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna thank her.
[with a mocking voice] Thank you, Mare-Do Well, whoever you are, for ruining e- [she appears to have an epiphany]
Hey squirt! Wait up!
Shortly thereafter, at the parade ~
Mayor: Welcome to Ponyville's first, but surely not last, "thank you parade" in honor of our city's greatest hero, the Mysterious Mare-Do Well!
[all in attendance cheer... except Rainbow Dash]
Rainbow: [flying up to Mare-Do Well, who is standing on the platform next to the mayor] The Mysterious Mare-Do Well, huh?
[everypony gasps]
Rainbow: So, what are you hiding? Let's see how mysterious you are without that mask! [she bites at Mare-Do Well's face in an attempt to unmask her, but fails; Rainbow chases her through a labrynth of streets]
Mare Do Well: [whistles at Rainbow from behind after being followed in the opposite direction]
Rainbow: What the hay?!
Mare Do Well: [again whistles from an improbable location; Rainbow gives chase]
Rainbow: [scaling a building, she catches Mare-Do Well unawares and tackles her] I got you now! Alright, Miss Mysterious! Mystery- [removes her mask] solved! Ah! [it's Pinkie] P- p- p- p- Pinkie?! [stutters incoherently] Huh?!
[two more "Mare-Do Wells" emerge and remove their masks]
Twilight?! Applejack?! There were three of you?!
Twilight: Yep! We all played Mare-Do Well at different times!
Applejack: I stopped the carriage bus with these babies. Bucky McGillicuddy and Kicks McGee.
Pinkie: I saved the construction workers with my Pinkie Sense. [her whole body shudders and she pushes Rainbow back; a flower pot falls, breaking]
Cherry Berry: Sorry!
Pinkie: It's alright!
Twilight: And I used my magic to fix the dam!
[Fluttershy slides in]
Fluttershy: [waving a hoof] Ooh! Ooh! And I did the flyby afterwards.
Rarity: I made the costumes. Fabulous if I do say so myself!
Rainbow: I don't understand. Why?! Don't you want me to be a hero?
Twilight: Of course we want you to be a hero!
Applejack: But a real hero doesn't brag.
Rainbow: I guess I did start to brag a little.
Everypony Else: A little?!
Rainbow: OK, a lot.
Twilight: Celebrating your accomplishments is natural. But-
Applejack: Rubbin' them in everypony's face is not.
Pinkie: Yeah, the only thing that should be rubbed in anypony's face is chocolate cake. [begins slavering and licking her lips]
Applejack: I think we're getting off topic here.
Twilight: What we're trying to say is, it's great to be really good at something, but it's important to act with grace and humility.
Rainbow: Oh! That makes loads more sense. Yeah. You're right. And I guess I should also act with grace and humility when others outshine me. Like Mare-Do Well.
Twilight: Sounds like you've got a letter to write to Princess Celestia.
Spike: Already got it covered. As your ghost writer, I've already penned a letter to the princess.
Rainbow: That's nice of you, Spike. But I really want to write this letter myself.
Spike: Aww, come on, I wrote the whole thing already!
Rainbow: OK, let's hear it.
Spike: A-hem. Dear Princess Ce-
Rainbow: Look out! It's a real ghost!
Pinkie & Spike: [scream and run away]
Everypony Else: [laughing]
[Rainbow hovers and Twilight levitates a quill and scroll up to her. Taking the quill in her mouth, Rainbow winks at the fourth wall.]

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